Life Updates: Why I've Been Distant
Hey lovelies,
So you're all probably wondering where the absolute hell I've been. I've been in a rut. Not any kind of writer's block type of rut, I've been in this motivation block type of rut.
As some of you may know, I was in a car accident with my best friend three weeks ago. Since then I was struck by several other downhill moments. College has been throwing curveballs at me (that's another blog post coming very soon), work has been straining my mental and physical health, and my home life is starting to decline yet again. I've been blaming myself for the car accident constantly no matter what everyone has said. I lost my car who had become practically my child. Rest in peace Sebastian. I lost a lot of freedom I had with owning a car. Now I'm just overwhelmed and unmotivated to do anything.
When I have some motivation, I've been trying to work on schoolwork. I literally just sit in my room all day watching videos and streams because I don't have an ounce in me that wants to do anything else. I've been constantly feeling tired, but I can't sleep or seem to get enough sleep. I've been trying to push myself away from friends again because I don't want to lash out on someone. Someone I loved and will always love just left my life without a reason. I know they're going through a hard time and if you know who it is or can guess who it is please don't give them a hard time. Since I haven't heard back from them though(they've been active on social media though so I know they're alive and kinda well) I keep blaming myself as I usually do because I never wanted to hurt them or anybody.
Today I had a doctor's appointment. I had to talk about my mental health to the nurse practitioner, and even though I was extremely uncomfortable because my mother was in the room she prescribed me anti-depressants. I go back in two weeks for a check-up on how the meds are affecting me and thankfully my mother won't be at that appointment. She's the root of all of my problems and I couldn't talk about half of the stuff in front of her. I'll be more honest with my doctor the next time I see them.
Now some of you are probably thinking, "You're being hypocritical, Ci. You always advocate for mental health and medicine, why are you so nervous about taking this?"
Well you've got me, I'm a hypocrite. I hate. HATE. Medication. I've hated medicine since I was a kid. I've tried overdosing before so now I cannot take pills without gagging or feeling light-headed. I also don't like admitting that I need to take it. I wanted to do counselling/therapy first and then if needed start medication. Hopefully, this will make it so I'll be able to get out of bed.
I'll keep you all update!
Love,
Cierra/Ciaran Rose
So you're all probably wondering where the absolute hell I've been. I've been in a rut. Not any kind of writer's block type of rut, I've been in this motivation block type of rut.
As some of you may know, I was in a car accident with my best friend three weeks ago. Since then I was struck by several other downhill moments. College has been throwing curveballs at me (that's another blog post coming very soon), work has been straining my mental and physical health, and my home life is starting to decline yet again. I've been blaming myself for the car accident constantly no matter what everyone has said. I lost my car who had become practically my child. Rest in peace Sebastian. I lost a lot of freedom I had with owning a car. Now I'm just overwhelmed and unmotivated to do anything.
When I have some motivation, I've been trying to work on schoolwork. I literally just sit in my room all day watching videos and streams because I don't have an ounce in me that wants to do anything else. I've been constantly feeling tired, but I can't sleep or seem to get enough sleep. I've been trying to push myself away from friends again because I don't want to lash out on someone. Someone I loved and will always love just left my life without a reason. I know they're going through a hard time and if you know who it is or can guess who it is please don't give them a hard time. Since I haven't heard back from them though(they've been active on social media though so I know they're alive and kinda well) I keep blaming myself as I usually do because I never wanted to hurt them or anybody.
Today I had a doctor's appointment. I had to talk about my mental health to the nurse practitioner, and even though I was extremely uncomfortable because my mother was in the room she prescribed me anti-depressants. I go back in two weeks for a check-up on how the meds are affecting me and thankfully my mother won't be at that appointment. She's the root of all of my problems and I couldn't talk about half of the stuff in front of her. I'll be more honest with my doctor the next time I see them.
Now some of you are probably thinking, "You're being hypocritical, Ci. You always advocate for mental health and medicine, why are you so nervous about taking this?"
Well you've got me, I'm a hypocrite. I hate. HATE. Medication. I've hated medicine since I was a kid. I've tried overdosing before so now I cannot take pills without gagging or feeling light-headed. I also don't like admitting that I need to take it. I wanted to do counselling/therapy first and then if needed start medication. Hopefully, this will make it so I'll be able to get out of bed.
I'll keep you all update!
Love,
Cierra/Ciaran Rose
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