2018: The Least to the Worst
Happy (very belated) New Year Lovelies!
Before you all yell, I know that I am one of the worst at keeping a schedule like I promised, but that will change I promise.
2018. This was probably one of the worst years of my life. Besides all the horrible things going on in the country and the world DYING this year was still an awful year for me. At the beginning of the year, my Papa passed away from cancer. He was the only person on my mother's side of the family that never gave up on me and always supported me in everything I did/continue to do. He was a big part of my life because if I wasn't at school, my godmother's house or asleep in my bed, I was with him. As I got older we didn't have the same opinions on things, but I still loved him. He always told me that my little sister and I were the things that brought him joy and kept him going in life. His entire life once I was born revolved around me and then me and my sister. I'm so mad that my mother isolated my sister and me from seeing him for a while. I could've heard more stories from him. I could've brightened up more days for him. I could've been there for him more, but I sadly cannot change that now. His last words to me were "thank you, Cierra", and I will remember that for the rest of my life. Rest in peace, Papa. You were loved.
Shortly after that, I had a break up with the person that I had planned the rest of my life around. This was the beginning of everything spiralling out of my control. To skip ahead a bit I also no longer have this person in my life. I was not good for his mental health and because I was so scared of losing the consistency and love that person brought in my life I drove him away anyway. I was toxic, and even though he would try to deny otherwise, I wasn't good for him at least at this time of our lives. Now for those of you that know the person, do not, I repeat, DO NOT lash out on, think badly of or isolate him because this is nowhere near his fault. He's an amazing and talented being that I still love and care for no matter what happened between us. He deserves the best in the world and sadly I could not be that for him.
If he's reading this right now, I just want you to know that you will always have someone rooting for you and always in your corner. You are amazing at music and I can't wait to see what you do with it in the future. You were and always will be one of the greatest people I've ever had in my life and thank you for literally everything. Also, your mom and your dogs brought me so much happiness along with you and I want them to know that. Give the puppers all the pets for me. If you ever, I mean ever, need anything I will always be there for you.
If you have known me before May of last year, you would know that I had planned on finally leaving the toxic environment I was in and moving away. Well as you can see that didn't happen. Before I turned eighteen the person that gave birth to me enrolled me into a college here. This was after I had learned that she had sabotaged me from leaving in several other ways, but that's another long story. So, I'm stuck here until I finish my Associate's Degree and save money to move.
I lost one of my favourite jobs. Bon-Ton, the company that owned Bergner's, went into liquidation and I had to go through five months of watching some of my favourite coworkers struggle to find a new job or to make ends meet. I'll sadly never hear my favourite managers praise me for opening a credit, or hear Marlene(my favourite person in that whole store) get excited when I arrived at work. I learned a lot from that store, and I met a lot of amazing people through that place.
My mental health took a leap off a cliff and along with it my physical health. School and stress about never having enough time for anything including my assignments consumed everything in me.
In October, I got into a wreck with my best friend and totalled my car. That little red car may have held several bad memories, but he gave me many good memories along with it. The wreck could've been MUCH worse. Rest in peace, Sebastian. My mental health declined even more after that because I was blaming myself for Jaycee's, my best friend, broken wrist/hand. I didn't have an outlet to leave the toxic environment that is my house. I also lost the only thing I had to my name at the time.
This is only a brief overview of my year because a lot more happened that I either don't want to
Now even though there was a lot of bad experiences in 2018 there were still a few good things. To make this not be a 1000 word essay, I'll just rapid-fire list them. I came out as polyamorous. I finally got together with Amber. I met Amber. I became closer with Jaycee and Jaylee(my two best friends). I finally have a desk. I started this blog. I started to find love in my passions again. I donated instead of dumping. I pet as many dogs as I could. I came as pansexual to several members of my extended family. I started working out. Last, but certainly not least, I left the toxicity that was my high school and no longer have to deal with that.
Here's to 2019. I'll make another post tomorrow explaining what I want to accomplish this year.
Love you all,
Cierra/Ciaran Rose
P.S. You all probably don't need to know this, but I was crying while writing the second and third paragraph because that's my final let go of that unless we somehow wander back into each other's lives. However, Collie (my new fur baby) heard me and started licking my tears away and that helped a lot.
Before you all yell, I know that I am one of the worst at keeping a schedule like I promised, but that will change I promise.
2018. This was probably one of the worst years of my life. Besides all the horrible things going on in the country and the world DYING this year was still an awful year for me. At the beginning of the year, my Papa passed away from cancer. He was the only person on my mother's side of the family that never gave up on me and always supported me in everything I did/continue to do. He was a big part of my life because if I wasn't at school, my godmother's house or asleep in my bed, I was with him. As I got older we didn't have the same opinions on things, but I still loved him. He always told me that my little sister and I were the things that brought him joy and kept him going in life. His entire life once I was born revolved around me and then me and my sister. I'm so mad that my mother isolated my sister and me from seeing him for a while. I could've heard more stories from him. I could've brightened up more days for him. I could've been there for him more, but I sadly cannot change that now. His last words to me were "thank you, Cierra", and I will remember that for the rest of my life. Rest in peace, Papa. You were loved.
Shortly after that, I had a break up with the person that I had planned the rest of my life around. This was the beginning of everything spiralling out of my control. To skip ahead a bit I also no longer have this person in my life. I was not good for his mental health and because I was so scared of losing the consistency and love that person brought in my life I drove him away anyway. I was toxic, and even though he would try to deny otherwise, I wasn't good for him at least at this time of our lives. Now for those of you that know the person, do not, I repeat, DO NOT lash out on, think badly of or isolate him because this is nowhere near his fault. He's an amazing and talented being that I still love and care for no matter what happened between us. He deserves the best in the world and sadly I could not be that for him.
If he's reading this right now, I just want you to know that you will always have someone rooting for you and always in your corner. You are amazing at music and I can't wait to see what you do with it in the future. You were and always will be one of the greatest people I've ever had in my life and thank you for literally everything. Also, your mom and your dogs brought me so much happiness along with you and I want them to know that. Give the puppers all the pets for me. If you ever, I mean ever, need anything I will always be there for you.
If you have known me before May of last year, you would know that I had planned on finally leaving the toxic environment I was in and moving away. Well as you can see that didn't happen. Before I turned eighteen the person that gave birth to me enrolled me into a college here. This was after I had learned that she had sabotaged me from leaving in several other ways, but that's another long story. So, I'm stuck here until I finish my Associate's Degree and save money to move.
I lost one of my favourite jobs. Bon-Ton, the company that owned Bergner's, went into liquidation and I had to go through five months of watching some of my favourite coworkers struggle to find a new job or to make ends meet. I'll sadly never hear my favourite managers praise me for opening a credit, or hear Marlene(my favourite person in that whole store) get excited when I arrived at work. I learned a lot from that store, and I met a lot of amazing people through that place.
My mental health took a leap off a cliff and along with it my physical health. School and stress about never having enough time for anything including my assignments consumed everything in me.
In October, I got into a wreck with my best friend and totalled my car. That little red car may have held several bad memories, but he gave me many good memories along with it. The wreck could've been MUCH worse. Rest in peace, Sebastian. My mental health declined even more after that because I was blaming myself for Jaycee's, my best friend, broken wrist/hand. I didn't have an outlet to leave the toxic environment that is my house. I also lost the only thing I had to my name at the time.
This is only a brief overview of my year because a lot more happened that I either don't want to
Now even though there was a lot of bad experiences in 2018 there were still a few good things. To make this not be a 1000 word essay, I'll just rapid-fire list them. I came out as polyamorous. I finally got together with Amber. I met Amber. I became closer with Jaycee and Jaylee(my two best friends). I finally have a desk. I started this blog. I started to find love in my passions again. I donated instead of dumping. I pet as many dogs as I could. I came as pansexual to several members of my extended family. I started working out. Last, but certainly not least, I left the toxicity that was my high school and no longer have to deal with that.
Here's to 2019. I'll make another post tomorrow explaining what I want to accomplish this year.
Love you all,
Cierra/Ciaran Rose
P.S. You all probably don't need to know this, but I was crying while writing the second and third paragraph because that's my final let go of that unless we somehow wander back into each other's lives. However, Collie (my new fur baby) heard me and started licking my tears away and that helped a lot.
Comments
Post a Comment